Aug 06 03:31:37 109 PA - Learning to Caress a Car Like a Woman, or at Least Club Her Over the Head
From Chronicles
Aug 06 03:31:37 109 PA.
EAST FARM ROAD
Fizzlesnoot hooks up with Gabriel at his office around noontime for his first driving lesson. The little guy takes the wheel first to get them out of the city safely. His first lesson is, "Listen to the engine as I shift through the gears, get used to that sound and you can't go wrong." They move along with traffic up until exiting the city and turning off on the farm roads where the traffic just fades away. Stopping off on the edge of the road to let the old man take a whirl at the driving, "Ready to give it a try?"
Gabriel chuckles. "Try? Sure. I can get anywhere I want to go in this thing, as long as no one minds me doing it in twenty-foot lurches!" The passenger door pops open, and he moves around the front of the car to the driver's side. "At least it's good ol' gasoline. Don't need to worry about something detonating in my face, right?" When there's room, he slides into the seat, and looks around. There's a pause. "Okay, I know the hands go here -" he grabs the wheel semi-randomly "- feet go here." He puts a left for on the left peddle, right foot on the right peddle. Then runs out of feet. "Ah, I need an extra leg or something? There's another peddle."
Fizzlesnoot's short stature makes it an easy transition to hop from one seat to the next as Gabriel walks around the vehicle. Once he's all set, "Ok, so far so good, the middle pedal is the brake, you use your right foot that is on the gas to use that pedal. This way you never hit the gas and brake at the same time, just can't be done if you keep both those pedals operated by the right foot. The left pedal is the clutch. This one lets you change gears. Push it in with your left foot, shift gear, release easy as you ease on the gas. You'll see," giving a chuckle as he puts on his seat belt. "Ok. Put it in first gear, ease off the clutch, soon as you feel the engine labor, push it back in again. Don't let it konk out."
With words of gears, clutches and shifting, Gabriel keeps his eyes out, trying to remember lost knowledge. "Um. Yeah, the engine's off, I know that. But where's the shifter? I just pump that lever with my foot and it'll put it in the right place? Because that's the thing I kept pushing and I'd jump forward about twenty feet, then the engine would die and I'd have to start it up again." He looks to Fizzlesnoot, grinning. "Pissed off a bunch of people, I think. Is there supposed to be another something in here to work the gears?"
Fizzlesnoot chuckles pointing to the shifter and pointing out the pattern of gears, putting it back into neutral. "Ok, push in the clutch, start the vehicle, put it into first gear like I just showed you, then ease off the clutch pedal. Nothing else, just release the pedal slow. Soon as you feel the vehicle wanting to go forward, push the clutch back in. Soon as you feel it, so go slow. Do that until you feel comfortable that you know where that point is." He mimics each part of the instructions to better illustrate what he is looking for.
Gabriel nods, a little bit of concern on his face as he presses the clutch in. More like mashing the clutch to the floor, really. He turns the key in the ignition, which thankfully turns over a very healthy ten-cylinder engine. No one's going to be using this vehicle to sneak around, that's for sure. The pedal is released over a painfully slow time until there starts to be a quiet and new noise. The clutch is once more mashed to the ground and his right arm throws the shifter from neutral to '1'. At least reading helps. The beast lurches forward, and the engine dies unceremoniously. Turning, Gabriel looks out to make sure that he didn't just crush his instructor. "Yeah, that didn't work well."
Fizzlesnoot is comfortably strapped into the front passenger seat, the lurch forward getting a chuckle. "Pay attention to the order. It's important. Clutch in, start engine, shift into first gear, slowly release till car wants to move. STOP. Right at the moment this happens, by pushing in the clutch again, easy, no need to kill the bug living underneath the pedal. That’s it. Don't rush it, take your time. Treat the car like you would a pretty woman, be nice. Don't slam her around, you wouldn't slam your girlfriend or wife around. Be nice, and she'll be nice to you." Brushing the dash with his hand like petting a favorite pet, "Nice, see." Perhaps poking a little fun at the man as seen by the grin on the D-bee's face.
Gabriel grins a little, somewhat embarrassed. "Okay, okay. Gentle." After inspecting everything visually, perhaps looking to make sure that the vehicle's working properly. As if he were a mechanic who could tell, which he isn't. He straps himself in more thoroughly. "Okay, lemme try this again." Clutch goes down. Pretty well mashed, but at least he didn't do it in one swift kick. The engine turns over - Diplodicus stays in place. His eyes look to the shifter, which is still in first gear, having completely forgotten to reset it. "This might go badly," he warns before beginning to let out the clutch. His head quirks down so that he can watch his leg come up gently, and right at the moment that the engine starts to cough and wheeze, the monocoque frame starting to shudder... he manages to stabilize it in a low shake." As it sits there, he looks to the D-Bee, somewhat reticent. "Press it back in? I don't get it, I just let it out." He keeps the car running, but doesn't make another move for now.
Fizzlesnoot quickly nods, excited with the man's success so far, "Yes Yes. Take a moment to do it again, and keep doing it until you feel you know that spot. Once you got that down, we'll see about getting this thing moving."
The man nods again, but looks a little dubious. Still, Gabriel takes instruction well, and goes through a good ten cycles of pumping the clutch - killing the engine a few times - but decent enough. If half of the time killing the engine would be considered decent. "Thing should be able to shift itself these days," he offers as a low grumble. Not actually angry, just a little bit of socio-technological commentary. Being nothing if not patient, he continues to simply work the clutch and the engine. It helps when he catches that the shifter isn't in neutral. After a period of time that would have killed a less-patient man, he seems secure enough for a beginning. A long breath is let out, and he turns to look at Fizzlesnoot again. "Okay, I can idle for now." The car continues to shake, but at least the cylinders are still moving.
Fizzlesnoot smiles as he gets the feel for the clutch, "Yeah, the electric engines are more automatic. But with the terrain these days, your better off with a manual shifter. Ok, now, as you get to that rumbling point give it a gentle press on the gas pedal, at the same time keep letting off the clutch until the vehicle begins rolling forward. Once it rolls forward, push the clutch in and stop giving it gas all at the same time. Then press the brake to come to a stop, keeping the clutch pressed."
Ker-*CHUNK*! The Diplodicus lurches forward as Gabriel attempts the automotive dance move. "Try that again." He brings the vehicle back to idle. Ker-*CHUNK*! Another twenty feet pass in an instant, then the journey comes to a halt. "See, this is what I was doing," he allows with a chuckle. "Okay." A deep breath is taken, and he gives it another shot. The engine comes extremely close to dying, and the transmission extremely close to trying to drop right out the bottom - but he manages to go forward at a far-too-quick speed, having mashed the accelerator. Trying to compensate, he mashes the brake, then mashes the accelerator right before it dies, then tries to mash the brake again but gets his foot caught beneath it instead. "Well fuck," he comments when the engine conks out again.
Fizzlesnoot can't help but laugh at that ride. Good thing he strapped himself in or his forehead would have been imprinted on the dash at least two of those lurches. "Your doing alright. Use a lighter touch on the pedals. You don't have to release the clutch fully, just enough to engage the gears as you give it gas. Remember, she's a delicate flower. Are you a gentle bumble bee collecting nectar, or a boot stomping through a field?"
An eyebrow is given to the gentle flower simile, but Gabriel does his best. It takes a good seven or eight times before the lurching and collapsing gets better. Eventually, he's wearing a wide and stupid grin as the huge vehicle, meant for heavy use in the wilderness, is crawling east along an empty road as slow as or slower than a man could walk. "I GOT IT!" he exclaims, slapping the dash. Which unfortunately distracts him, killing the engine. This time, though, he manages to slide back into tooling along without much trouble. "Sorry," he blushes.
Fizzlesnoot chuckles, finally giving an approving nod as the vehicle crawls along in first gear, "Alright, let's go a bit faster. Give it some gas and listen for the engine revving up, then, at the same time push in the clutch and release the gas, shift into second." Mimicking the shifting motion with his hand and the pedal motion with his feet, "Then release the clutch and give it some gas again. Don't worry about it if it is jerky."
"Dear God, this is worse than learning the Charleston," Gabriel grunts as he watches Fizzlesnoot. The accelerator is depressed. And depressed. And depressed. First gear revs up as far as a first gear can go, making a horrible racket and continuing to crawl down the road - though obviously faster with more gas, even in first gear. The shift handle is grabbed, and he does his best to make the awkward back-and-sideways transition into second gear. Horrible grinding noises come from the attempt, with the handle barely moving, and certainly not sliding into second. Sounds like a rabid dog suddenly living in the glove compartment. "It's not shif... oh..." he finally gets around to working the clutch, another excursion that nearly kills the engine but does pop the gear into place with a sound that one might expect from a flash grenade going off. The accelerator gets mashed, and they start to move faster down the road. And faster. Faster. "Okay?" Gabriel takes his eyes off the road to look at his passenger.
Fizzlesnoot quickly points out the front window when Gabriel's eyes turn his way, "Eyes that way! You're doing fine, speed up some more, gas off, clutch in, shift to third, clutch out, gas on. Steadily speeding up." The little guy is enjoying the rough bronco busting like ride, it won't be as much fun once the old man gets the hang of it.
SLAM-BANG-WHAP-SLAM! Gabriel manages to follow instructions without killing the engine, although it may need a significant tune-up when he's done with it. "Holy shit!" he exclaims as they finally start to make their way at a pretty good clip down the road toward the village. It's a good vehicle, meant for rough terrain, so a generally flat road is like a race track. After recovering from having not been looking forward, the car's all over the road now, his philosophy on turning the wheel being just as black-and-white as working a pedal. But even he's laughing now, screaming, "WE'RE GONNA FUCKING DIE OUT HERE!!"
Fizzlesnoot laughs at the noises Gabriel is able to get out of this thing, looking out the side window, "Um, I think you left something back there." And with a shrug, "We can pick it up on the way back. No worries. Just keep going," waving a finger forward. "See the clearing off to the right up there? When we get a little closer start slowing down, we're gonna do a U-turn. But ya gotta downshift. Just let off the gas to let the vehicle slow down on its own, tapping the brake lightly to help. Push clutch in when the engine sounds like its slowing down, downshift back to second gear, let off clutch easy. Slow down just a little more and ease the vehicle around in that clearing to head back the other way, giving it gas if you need to, to keep it turning steadily."
Gabriel does his best to follow instructions, but downshifting proves to be as much of a problem as putting it into higher gears. But, at least this time he has some experience - if only a hour's worth - and manages to get it down without blowing anything up, or watching the clutch mechanism itself blow through the floor. However, slowing down involves a whole lot of skidding and swerving as he mashes the brake too hard and the tires lose purchase. A tree rises up in a challenge, but a quick left yank on the wheel means that only the rear fender bonks off of it. He's breathing heavily. "Okay, which clearing?"
Fizzlesnoot looks out his side window again, smiling broadly, "That one, back there." Chuckling, "There's another one up here before we get to the farmland. I don't think the farmers would like their crops mashed like that brake pedal under your foot. Remember, be nice. Go ahead and speed back up, I'll let ya know earlier next time. Got about three miles till we get to it."
Nodding, Gabriel speeds up, probably faster than necessary, but it's a bit like riding a bike - the faster you go, the more solid it feels. Three miles passes quickly, before he yanks the wheel. He's clearly trying to be gentle and nurse the virgin, but sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Instead, the eighteen-foot long nearly war-machine manage to go into a fishtail slide, a complete one-eighty that sends the two of them flying ass-backwards along the same general line of travel, while the six wheels spin and kick up dirt trying to go the other direction.
Fizzlesnoot lets out a screech, throwing up his arm across his face as the vehicle goes into its spin. Realizing they survived once the sideways jerk of the 180 is over, head hitting the window with a loud thud, he peeks around his arm to see what the next attempt at his life is going to be. "Damn! I'm glad I wasn't your first girlfriend. She musta got the hell beat out of her the first time y'all went at it. I mean awkward is one thing, this is on the verge of all out, mouth foaming, seizure," getting a chuckle now that it's over and realizing how much fun it was, being he lived. "Get her going again, and. Be. Nice."
The wheels haven't stopped spinning, but they have at least stopped going forward against backward. Gabriel gives Fizzlesnoot a serious nod, and manages to ease up on the pedal. "Whoo. Okay, okay." He's back to driving old people again, but at least he manages to make what to him is a very impressive maneuver - a basic circle of the indicated clearing, coming out the direction that they were already going. Technically not a U-turn, but the thought is there. "Alright. Ah... what's next?" His grip on the wheel is that of someone trying to grab a calf by the horns and throw it to the ground. But if nothing else, he has definitively proven the efficacy of nylon safety harnesses.
Fizzlesnoot chuckles with a sigh of relief, "Ya know, unless this thing explodes, I'll still be walking home after you kill yourself. Looks like we're gonna have to go through the village before we can make a turn without killing the crop fields or any fences or any farmers and their daughters. Just keep it around thirty miles per hour going through the village, just follow that big gauge in the center there," pointing it out for the man. "That’s how fast you're going."
Gabriel nods, and his effort intensifies, as now innocent civilians are in the way. Once they get closer, he actually slow some more, cutting the target speed in half in order to get around at something he feels comfortable with. Here and there the swerves too much, or accelerates too fast, or brakes too hard... but after a while, he manages to safely navigate his way back out onto the road. "Whoo! Okay, I'll be sure to practice the starts and stops. I wonder how fast this thing can go?" The accelerator is mashed, but only for a moment as the engine revs. "Just kidding," he winks to his instructor and passenger. "I guess I'll tool along this road, it's pretty open."
Fizzlesnoot's head turns sharply to the driver as he mashes on the gas momentarily as the rise in blood pressure is gotten by the action. "Why not try that when you got the stop and go perfected, sound good?" a smile to go along with the request. "Only thing you got to remember is the place where the gas and clutch are in balance. When you're in an empty parking lot, try getting the vehicle to rock back and forth by going back and forth with the gas and clutch," moving his hand in an alternating pattern to illustrate what he means. "I'm not sure where this road leads to after the village, so you might want to turn around when you see a spot you think you can handle and head back."
A nod is given, and Gabriel does manage to make a fairly nice turn and return trip through the village on to the eastern road to Kingsdale. The Diplodicus moves slowly, perhaps embarrassingly slowly for someone who would worry about that kind of thing. Gabriel doesn't. Eventually, he points to a small area on the north side of the road. "I can practice there, I'd rather stay out of the city for now. Too many things to destroy or kill."
Fizzlesnoot nods as the area is pointed out, "Yeah, that looks like a good spot if you rather. The van would've been easier, but don't let the size of the vehicle throw ya off. It still works the same as a small car for around the city. It's actually a pretty nice vehicle ya got, what did you end up paying for it?"
"Ah... not much," is Gabriel's perhaps cryptic answer. "So you want me to practice s'more with you here? There more to learn today?" He nods with his chin back toward the city, smirking. "Or do you want a ride home?"
Fizzlesnoot gives an I don't care shrug, "That's fine, we can practice more if ya like. I got nothing going on till the evening anyway. You just need to get the starting off and stopping part down, but that just comes with getting used to your vehicle. You'll go through it with every vehicle you try for a while, but even that will get easier. Once you get that part down, we'll start driving through the city so ya get used to driving around other vehicles, but I think we'll come out here again first, just to be sure the brain scrambling is all done."
Gabriel nods, and pulls into the small clearing, shutting off the engine. Of course, the car starts to roll down the gentle incline. "Ah... yeah, probably missing something here," he says, looking for a way to stop it going downhill without being permanently trapped standing on the brake pedal. Eventually, he gives up and turns the engine over once more, but curses up a storm when he finds it rather difficult to put the car in reverse gear when he's already moving forward. Grinding noises ensue.
Fizzlesnoot can't help but get another chuckle as the old man tries to figure out what he is doing wrong. Finally, "Step on the brake, kill the engine, and put it in gear. It can't roll in gear. Also if you look over there," pointing to red lever under the dash and steering wheel, "Pull that out and it will set the parking brake. To release it, pull out just a little and twist and it will go back in."
"Oh yeah. Parking brake," Gabriel says as if remembering something distant. "Right." The engine is shut off, the brake pulled into place. After taking a moment to assess things, he moves the shift-stick to reverse, and does his best to follow previous instructions. It's still difficult for him to pull off, needing to do it twice before backing up - even then it's done by stomping the accelerator and sending up rooster tails of dirt that in another car would have dug into the ground hopelessly. But, once on the trail, he smiles. "One more thing to work on, right?"
Fizzlesnoot nods smiling to his friend, "All just getting used to the vehicle. Here's a trick you can try. On level ground, stop with the vehicle in first gear. Holding the brake on, just pump the clutch making the front end bounce without letting the engine cut out on ya. Ya gotta hold the brake the whole time and do not touch the gas. It's just pumping the clutch to make the front end bounce. If you get it going right the engine won't even sound like its laboring to get going."
Gabriel looks at Fizzlesnoot like he's crazy. Then somewhat confirms it by laughing out, "What the fuck, Fizz? I think I'll just try going in a straight line, turning sideways and not killing the engine before trying to bounce this thing like it's trying to hump a pretty lady Diplodicus! Man.." The ignition is turned off, and he allows the vehicle to roll to a halt. Turn, snap, roar... another successful start, and they're rolling slowly west again.
Fizzlesnoot chuckles with a shrug, "Hey, don't knock the method, when you're by yourself, give it a try. Not like your going to get the wheels off the ground or anything, just the front end will lift up and drop as it tries moving forward. It'll get you the feel for the clutch. Turn on some tunes and take the girl dancing, what girl don't like dancing with their man?"
Gabriel repeats himself with a laugh. "What the fuck, Fizz? Okay..." He shakes his head and does as he was told. Or tries to, more accurately. Despite a good ten minutes of attempted front-end hopping, the most that he can seem to accomplish is the front-back lurching when the clutch kicks in and the accelerator doesn't.
Fizzlesnoot can't help but laugh at the lack of clutch coordination. Plucking a hair from atop his head, there being so few, finding an individual one is easy, "See watch," holding up the hair in front of him. moving a finger to either side of the hair, "Clutch on, clutch off. Clutch on, clutch off. On, off. See. Divided by a hair, just have to find that hair. Wait till ya gotta take off from a dead stop on a steep incline. If you don't have that light touch with the clutch, your gonna roll backwards and who knows what you might hit or get stuck in. You should be able to balance the engine between the clutch and gas on a hill without ever touching the brake to sit there. This is the hardest part to get used to, after this, well, there isn't anything after this."
With a concerned-and-amused shake of his head, Gabriel punches the center release of his five-point harness. He opens the door - something he can do well enough - and slips out, gesturing Fizzlesnoot over. "Show me, please. And... this would help. What exactly good is it going to do? Or, why am I doing it? I mean, just hopping the front end can't be a reason, unless I'm trying to stunt drive, can it?"
Fizzlesnoot smiles as the man hops out to let him demonstrate. "You're over thinking it is all," moving over to take his spot behind the wheel. With one foot on the brake, he slowly moves the clutch pedal in and out, barely at all too. As the engine engages, the front end lifts up just slightly, he presses in the clutch again and it drops. "Pay attention to the foot." His foot barely moving the clutch pedal at all, but slowly he gets the front end bouncing on its suspension in a rhythm, the engine running and never once does it sound like it is going to lurch forward or even labor or stall. A regular idle as the bouncing increases "See, it's the point where the clutch engages and releases from the engine I want you to get accustomed to, the friction zone."
Gabriel nods, his hands on the edge of the open window, peering in. "So the jumping isn't actually the goal, right? It's just hearing where the ideal time is to let out the clutch. I guess that's different than practicing by idling?" Stepping back from the silly-looking six-heeled car, the fellow from 1959 idly wonders, "Huh. Bet you could put on some pneumatics or something and make it really jump. Look like jackass, but it might be good at parties."
Fizzlesnoot nods, "Exactly. The bouncing is the indicator you have it, the goal is to find the zone between engaged and not engaged. It's just a hairline division between the two, so drastic movements of to the floor and foot off the pedal causes the jerking motions. Ride that line and it will be smooth." Smoothly showing by example, the vehicle moves forward a step, stops, moves forward a step, stops. The little D-bee playing the come on, sure I'll give ya a ride game, but in very small steps. No jerking or lurching of the vehicle.
"Okay, but... so I don't have to use the clutch eventually, I'll just be able to shift?" Gabriel asks, still trying to find more meaning in it than just a good zone to work the clutch. The door gets a swift kick. "Move over, lemme try again."
Fizzlesnoot puts it in neutral and slides back over, "Actually, yeah, eventually you won't need the clutch to shift. It's called gliding the gears. It's easier with the models with the nylon gears though."
Gabriel looks at the floor as if he could inspect the gears to see what they were made of. Alas, he does not have X-ray vision. After setting his harness back in place, he pushes the clutch all the way in, enjoying the freedom that it gives him to scoot the shift-stick all through its various options, including one labeled 'OVRDRV' that he doesn't touch. "Okay, let me see." He isn't very successful, after more long minutes of trying, though he does get better. In the end, he just grunts, "I'll work on it."
Fizzlesnoot gives a reassuring smile, "Don't let it bother you, it takes everyone a bit to get at first. Once you get it though, the rest is a piece of cake. If ya want, start heading back towards the city and I'll take us back to the office and park it for ya."
"Outside of my place, please. Where I live, that is," Gabriel says, driving back to the city. Once you get going, it's not so bad, as long as the road is clear, a straight line and the accelerator isn't pressed down too far. "Sure appreciate the lessons, Fizzlesnoot. I know you've got a club to run."
Fizzlesnoot checks his watch, "Yeah, and by the looks of it, I'll have just enough time to walk on back from your place. Also, real quick, not that it is really important or anything to actually driving, just good to know. I showed you the speed gauge, the other big one next to it is your RPM gauge. If the needle hits red, ya gotta switch to a higher gear. If its below the 2, time to downshift to a lower gear. But you generally want to do it before the RPMs get that high or below 1. Below 1 and you'll stall, too long in the red can blow your transmission. The little ones are, oil pressure, water temp and fuel level," pointing each out as he names them. "Just good to know is all."
Good thing, too, because the labels had been rubbed off. Though some of them did have little pictographs indicating at least partially what they did. "Thanks," Gabriel says. It's a decent enough drive to Coventry Place, with the Diplodicus pulling up next to a lot full of fancy luxury and sports cars. "Doesn't really fit, does it?" he laughs. A hand is then extended toward Fizzlesnoot's creepy little hands. "Thanks, I'll catch you again later. Gimme a week or two?"
Fizzlesnoot gives the man a shake, "Might not look like it fits, but I guarantee you can make it fit. The only car in the lot that can park on top of the others when there is no spaces left," giving a devilish grin. "Keep up on practicing, and I'll see you in a couple days to see how you're doing. Friction zone. Learn it, live it."
Gabriel laughs at the parking comment, then hops out and locks the door. With a wave, he dusts himself off and heads home, probably to change and to get to work.
