Adad's Writing Descriptions, a How-To Guide
From Chronicles
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Who am I and Why Do I Care?
I'm Adad, the StoryTeller here on Chronicles of Kingsdale. I run TPs and my regular characters take part in normal RP and other TPs.
Some who know me may say that I write excessively much, even simply OOC. Indeed, most might say so and the length of this document may be proof of such. Still, I believe that online in a MUX world driven by text, it is better to achieve a goal by going overboard than failing to meet that goal because there was not enough to begin with.
This document is primarily about writing character descriptions (your “desc”). Quality, thoroughness, detail and proper use of the English language all go into making your character come alive. Incidentally, all of this descriptive power can be used equally well in RP and scene poses; other PCs will appreciate it.
Why We Do It
A character's description is a large part of who he or she is, and how other characters may initially react to the character. Indeed, giving a description powerful enough may influence the general future of how a character is perceived by others and portrayed by you. It is not a bad thing to have a long description, particularly as the +multidesc system allows a character to easily swap between appropriate descriptions depending on the time of year, current activity, etc. The more detailed a description, the more other players have to go off of in RP. A poor description may lead to having to pull RP out of thin air, confusion about a PC's intent, and simple confusion about who a PC is. Take the time to write a thorough description. Even if it takes up an entire screen, it's better to have one thorough description that people will know than only a few vague lines that demand a constant <OOC> “Oh wait, John also...” Finally, please be sure to check for common grammar and spelling errors. You're going to live with this description, so why not be sure to make sure that it really is “your” description rather than “you're” description (as but one example).
- “John carries a gun” (PB 22) describes a character named John.
- “John is never without a gun, a pistol which he holds in such a way that it always manages to catch the light on its metal surfaces. An angelic face belies good genetics or simple luck that cause people to take pause and a second look when he walks into a room” actually begins to describe the character named John.
Here are some things to consider. Make sure you check +help multidesc, and write multiple descriptions to fit appropriate situations. At the very least, it's generally wise to have one for everyday activities, one for combat and one for more casual times like hitting a club on a relaxing night.
Tips and Tricks for Writing Good Descriptions
- The very basics of John.
- Age (apparent). Height, weight, body frame, coloration (skin, eyes, hair). This is so basic that it ends up in your +sheet. Now it's time to go beyond this and into a description that others will be reading when they meet you for RP, be it the first time or the hundredth time.
- Expand your field of vision.
- Where I live, judging the weather means more than calling up a website. You need to know to look at the clouds (where are they going, what do they look like, how many are there), the trees (how hard are the leaves blowing, from which direction), the sun (how bright, are its edges crisp) and the ocean (what kind of waves are we having, how quickly are they coming, how large are they) just to name a few. In writing a character's description, you should try to follow this same instinct. Don't get so focused on the sky that you miss the ocean. John's kneecaps might be as defining as his nose. The squeak of his boots could be as telling as the lilt in his voice. Look up, look down, look all around for details that best capture your character.
- Go beyond red, white and blue.
- Don't be afraid to liven up your descriptions by getting creative with color. Cerulean is not exactly blue, russet is not exactly red. Describe the color of things with familiar objects; a jacket can be the color of eggplant, hair can be the color of hay. Mustard-colored, storm-colored, cabbage-colored, money-colored – all these colors say something not only about the object being described, but about the observer, too.
- Watch your adverbs.
- Too many adverbs is often a sign that you aren't working hard enough to let language transfer a description from your mind to those of other PCs. When reviewing your description, watch for unnecessary, irrelevant, or extraneous adverbs (especially the ones that end in “ly”). Instead of saying that John works tirelessly, describe John's hands as calloused and dirty. Perhaps that they have a slow painful motion when they move. Instead of his eyes moving constantly, they dart around a room, never settling on any one object for more than a split second.
- Check your adjectives.
- Good description is not defined by the number of adjectives per sentence. Somewhat paradoxically, a string of adjectives (no matter how bright and punchy) can diminish the descriptive power of a character's image. This can be a case of less is more that you will have to balance as you write. “John is a tough, tall, wide, dark, strong, heavily-armed, neatly-dressed man with a deep voice.” That sentence contains a load of very unhelpful generic information that raises more questions than it answers. How tall? How strong? How well-armed? What makes him tough?
- Turn a bland simile into a vivid adjective.
- Similes can sometimes seem like a desperate attempt to depict a vivid world. Turning similes into adjectives can help you vary your descriptive style and still retain the comparisons that help other PCs see what you see. “John has a face like a cabbage” can be converted to “John's cabbage-like face is easily recognized in a crowd.” In writing a character's description, you should find a balance between simile and colorful adjective.
- Don't mix metaphors or go overboard with them!
- The mixed metaphor gets first prize at exposing inexperienced PCs, or simply those who just don't really care when writing a description (and regular authors, as well). To wit: “Without his pistol, John is a bird shot from the sky, his very foundation a crumble of boulders under the rotting timbers of defenselessness.” First off, this is entirely wrong for a description. Second, even if it was correct, birds don't have foundations or rotting timbers, and houses don't get shot out of the sky. If you use a metaphor in a description, keep it simple. “Without his pistol, John is an eagle missing its talons.”
- Engage the senses.
- We've been given five basic senses; use them. When a descriptive passage fails for no reason that you can easily discern, take a good look at your sensory details. Are they purely visual, as they often are? Try adding a sound or a scent to get the prose moving again. Perhaps John has an odor of ozone from constantly firing his weapon. Maybe he limps. Wheezes?
- Don't use brand names.
- If you described John as a Headhunter out of Lone Star wearing a Northern Gun NG-45LP “Long Pistol” with a Wilk's 567 “Long Gun” on his back, clad in Coalition-issue Special Forces CA-7 body armor with a Falcon 300 jet pack nailed on who relies on Sixth Sense to keep him alive with a SAMAS railgun, the best that people might do is hunt around books and pray that one of the good people at Palladium took the time to make an illustration. That “Lone Star” has some specific meaning that they should take away. That “Headhunter” is more than just a name from a book. That “Sixth Sense” is more than just two words used to describe a psychic power. Instead, describe the pistol as bulky, the rifle as slender, the body armor as heavy and black, whatever interesting and helpful details you can find. The actual identification of these pieces would be something useful to come up in RP; not just as identifying it, but even how John came to own and use these items. Perhaps he speaks fluent Spanish and wears the badge of a mercenary company to explain his geographic origin and “headhunter” status.
- Don't pile on the details (ironic, I know).
- Too many details in a description can be obscuring! For example, noting that John's jacket is held together loosely by a few old buttons and ragged thread is useful. Even pointing out that the buttons themselves are cracked from constant exposure to the sun is interesting. But getting down into the details of exactly how each button has discolored in the sunlight is going to overwhelm other PCs. They'll lose interest, and unless that detail about the buttons is significant, you have thus wasted your time. Of course if it is important, leave it in as a small hint – whatever reason it is that makes it important can come out in RP.
- Use adjectives in surprising and different ways.
- Try to write a description with verbal surprises. Flex! In the right description, seemingly unrelated adjective-noun combinations – frightful good looks, a ferocious necklace, barnlike body – can strike exactly the descriptive note you want without using the same tired words that everyone else has. For instance, we're probably all tired of hearing about “sinewy muscles.” I know that I am.
- Don't use unusual adjectives twice.
- Simple. Describing John's personality as electrifying, lissome, fractious and sinister (a freakishly strange combination of personality traits, indeed) is very interesting. Going on to use some of those same words to describe his clothing and equipment simply points them out as unusual words being used either just to be unusual, or because the person who wrote the description wasn't paying attention. They call each other out and just sound strange.
- Be consistent.
- If John is a “well-armed man”, he'd better be carrying some significant amount or unusual weaponry on his person to deserve that description. Even if John is a master marksman, he isn't necessarily “well-armed” with only one pistol at his side.
- Show, don't tell – to a point.
- All of our grammar school composition teachers pounded into our heads, “show, don't tell.” This is not always true. Sometimes it's just fine to simply say that John is wearing a silver ring. If it is otherwise completely unimportant and with nothing to say about who John is and what he looks like, there's no reason to take up your time to write it and the time of those who will read it.
- Elevate the mundane.
- When describing something that is inherently dull – combat boots, for example – inject some fresh imagery and lyrical phraseology. Rather than simply being combat boots, they might be a cheap pair resembling leather having been pulled over nothing better than someone's knee, with scuffs so numerous that the original black has been sliced and pitted so much that they might have been picked from a field of potatoes. Everything that a person is/owns is unique. Make them unique!
- Avoid sentimentality and melodrama.
- Describe things that can be detected by one of our senses. John's face should not be “wracked with grief” in a static description, as none of us can actually see “wracked”. However, we can see him often covering his face with his hands, or wrinkles across his cheeks far older than his young twenty-two years. An emotional state on this level would normally come up in RP, not in a description unless the character has some kind of exceptionally unique, important and constant mental state (like Marvin the Paranoid Android).
- Avoid “realistic” details.
- You just created a Headhunter, but in real life you have absolutely no military or similar technical knowledge whatsoever (most people fall into this category). Don't hit the web for information and then type up a description about how the pre-Rifts firearm on John's hip is a Beretta 92F chambered for the 9x19mm Parabellum round with a muzzle velocity in excess of 1,200 feet per second, a 50 meter range an 10-round detachable box magazine. However, noting in some way that John has the standard-issue sidearm of the pre-Rifts US military might be interesting – we just don't need the technical details in a description (and in this case, remember the rule about brand names and don't call it out as an M9, either). Similarly, don't point out that an L-20 can fire thirty single shots off of a standard E-Clip.
- Don't abuse a thesaurus.
- Do use them for good/new words if you're stuck in a rut or staring at a blank screen. Do not beat the crap out of a thesaurus so that you end up using such esoteric terms that the best wordsmiths have no idea what you're talking about.
- Don't point out your stats!
- This is a terrible way to write up a description. Injecting (PB 22) at the end, (IQ 8) or (MA 25) is just really, really bad. If John is attractive, describe it! If he's a little slow, describe it! If he has a unique and strong personality, explain it! Even D-Bees and other creatures who come with a built-in Horror Factor are better served to describe what it is that makes them horrific, then see how other PCs react to a decent description. If you feel that John's Horror Factor needs to be rolled, bring it up in RP, don't tack it onto the description as (HF 8).
- Pride.
- Writing a good description is about doing your best, having fun with a digital life that you're creating. This is where pride comes in. If you are stuck, just ask for help! Just about everyone I know is happy to help with ideas from the mundane and generic to the highly specific. It never hurts to have a friend help out if you feel blocked or if you just can't come up with much on your own. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. If you want or need help writing up a description, I (Adad) am ALWAYS here to assist while I'm online, and quite happy to do so. Feel free to page me or @mail me to grab my attention. However, on the other hand... if you find that you're not enjoying yourself when writing up a decent description, you may want to ask yourself what you're doing on a MUX.
- Finally, Formatting.
- Remember that %t is a tab, and %r is a new line exactly as they were when you entered your background. There's no reason that your description shouldn't be any less formatted than your background.
One Possible Set of Questions and Ideas for John
- The obvious and necessary ones that go into your +sheet.
- Apparent age (apparent, as a character may be biologically 1,200 years old, but only appear to be a bouncing 17 year old)
- Height
- Weight
- Skin color
- Eye color
- Hair color
- Race; if you don't call out details, people will just assume that your character is human.
- Some interesting ones on the next level.
- Tattoos
- Scars
- Hairstyle
- How John carries himself
- Body frame/type/shape
- Type of clothing
- Weapons/armor/equipment
- Some detailed ones, but in no way a complete list!
- Length and color of nails; are they dirty, perfectly clean?
- How fast does he walk, is it with a limp, is it crisp and military?
- Quality of clothing, age of clothing, origin of clothing
- Common facial expression (if there is one)
- Apparent emotional state (if there is a common one)
- Does money get flashed around?
- Does he have an accent?
- Does he smell clean, or the odor of a hard working laborer?
- Clean shaven, or scruffy?
- Is his hair neat, or does he continually have to brush something out of his eyes?
- Gloved hands, or bare?
- Zipper, or button-fly?
- Are his hands those of a working man, or are they slender and clean like a violinist's?
- What shape are his eyes?
- Ears?
- Nose?
- Lips?
- Cheeks and cheekbones?
- What is his gait like?
- Is he coordinated, or clumsy?
- Meek? Loud and boisterous?
- Does he seem smart, or stupid (this may be real, or an affectation, but what would other PCs see)?
- Jewelry and other ornamentation
- Where and how on his body are his visible weapons kept (if he has any)
- Smoker?
- Any indication of cybernetic or bionic reconstruction/enhancement?
- Obvious D-Bee strangeness, like a prehensile tail?
- Any patches or tags that identify him with a particular group or organization?
- When he speaks is it strong, weak, normally conversational, sarcastic, arrogant?
- Does he have a lisp? Accent? Is American (the common tongue here on Chronicles of Kingsdale) seemingly his native tongue, or does he have trouble with it?
- Freckles?
- When he breathes through his nose, is there a whistle?
- What's his chin like?
- Is his exposed bellybutton an “innie” or an “outtie”?
- Does he keep his nose hair trimmed?
- Does he fidget constantly, is he a rock, does he slide around like he's drunk even when he's sober?
- If John were actually Jane, does she have a large chest, a small chest, something in between?
- Does John/Jane have an eye for the opposite sex?
These are just places to start, something to get you going if you needed some inspiration. The world is yours when it comes to what you can put together as a description. Have fun and put a mountain of effort into it – it will pay off in the appreciation of other PCs and the RP that it generates.
Two Examples of Describing John
A poor description:
John is 6'6”, 140 lbs. He has blonde hair and blue eyes, partial-conversion Headhunter. He's from Lone Star and carries a Northern Gun NG-45LP “Long Pistol”, CN-1 Net Gun and a C-40R SAMAS Rail Gun at all times. He wears a Branaghan overcoat, with combat boots. There's a vibro-blade in his belt. He is a 22yo human who that everyone loves. (MA 25)
Yes, I really have seen descriptions like this. They're terrible. Does that give anyone anything to go off of for RP? Not really. This is why +hooks and +wyska become necessary. Write up something better, because +hooks and +wyska have a tendency to get out of date very quickly and become forgotten as well.
So what might be better? Let's use new and additional information to say the same thing (plus more) and make a real description:
A beanpole of a man, John's head soars high enough that any body armor likely needs to be modified to fit his frame. Steel-blue eyes compliment long flaxen hair which is often pulled back in a ponytail that descends down past his shoulders. Gold rings may occasionally be seen around the irises of his visual orbs; rings of the type common to high-end cybernetic implants. His age is difficult to guess, as he has the face of youth but one which is covered in wrinkles, darkened and scarred. On some subconscious level, he often needs to run his fingers absently across his forehead just below the hairline. A bent tree trunk of a neck keeps his gaze often on the ground, though his eyes are in constant motion, moving so quickly that one might ask how he notices anything at all before moving on to another subject.
Dressed in a combination of dark gray clothing that sees both scorching sun and freezing nights, an armored overcoat keeps him safe from stray fire. The buttons of his jacket have been dulled from black to a dim yellow, cracked in a manner possibly indicating significant time spent outdoors in solar extremes. The leather coat itself is scarred and pockmarked with the evidence of windblown sand, crudely patched here and there covering obvious knife slashes and bullet holes. While he wears combat boots, they are in such poor condition with so many slices and intense discoloration that it may be difficult to separate them from a normal person's footwear without a close inspection.
A large energy pistol modified with some type of scope is strapped to his thigh within easy reach of his shaking hands, complimented by a common handgun tucked beneath his left arm, its grip pointing forward to allow a quick draw. Both weapons have seen better days, with small pits and slices shouting that they have been repeatedly used in heavy combat. Each one has been monogrammed with a simple, “J.M.” in silver lettering at the top of the muzzle. Very uniquely, John carries a bulky weapon across his back which may not appear to be intended for such an individual application. Very large in both dimension and firepower, one can see that it requires obvious strength beyond the norm. Even for those not familiar with technological weaponry this would be clear.
His speech comes with a clear Spanish accent, rolling beyond his lips in an aristocratic way that offsets his possible gun-fighter lifestyle. Even further, money rolls freely for booze, women and comfortable lodging. Despite his aged face, the day-to-day interaction with the general public is congenial, often making him a popular fellow. A series of long scars running diagonally across his forehead have been raised in a manner seen when healing without proper medical care. Up close, he carries with him a muted bouquet of sweet peppers and whiskey. Finally, though obviously lithe and fast, he limps slightly every time weight is put on his right leg.
Ta-Dah! You have a better description - a real description - and much more information for other PCs to use when interacting with John.
Keep in mind that all of these tips can be directly applied to your RP poses as well.
Scene Pose Version
A scene pose does exactly what it says it does: it sets the stage for a round of RP, be it more social, common RP, or a piece of a TinyPlot. In both cases, giving other PCs a good image of their immediate environment for this session is critical.
This is a poor scene pose:
The weather isnt bad, but its not great, either. People are milling around like normal except for the one's cleaning up the 10-car crash.
This is terrible. There's almost no information to go off of for a pose that is setting a scene for an entire RP session. Not only is there no information, but the grammar is terrible as well (incorrect use of "isnt, its and one's").
So what might be better? Pull out details. Look around:
This early afternoon in the Plaza Park is being met with gentle rain in the form of sparse but large drops falling from a low overcast sky. The unbroken layer of hanging clouds has taken on a hue of mist rising from a morning pond, blocking the sun's direct rays but ethereal enough to keep the ground well-lit. Even with this sheltering effect, shallow mud is beginning to build here and there next to ancient craters that are almost never completely devoid of moisture. Denuded trees are just now vying for the light which will replace their winter-fallen leaves, while the low brush is already back as a bushy battle line. Wildflowers with colors chosen from all over the spectrum - including alien colors that simply don't belong - are in full bloom, giving the Park a natural circus-feel.
Hardy souls, both individuals and families are braving the elements at this hour. Some hiding beneath tarps, some D-Bees apparently not phased by the precipitation, and enjoying a day out in the open, with children of all species tearing around as children are wont to do. Although there are inevitable complaints, most people are smiling and trying to go about their picnic, ritual or whatever has brought them here today. A mixture of music, spattering raindrops and blowing vehicular horns from the east add their own bit of chaos. Still, the purifying effect of water in the atmosphere continues to lend its sweet smell to the air.
At the entrance to the Park, where its grand opening meets Main Street ten cars have inexplicably piled up in a horrendous crash. Metal and plastic have practically been welded together with the heat of a plasma fire gone awry. A number of people have gathered to remove this dead fragment of transportation anarchy, attacking it with torches, hammers and in the case of one gigantic lizard-like being, bare hands.
John has found shelter beneath one of the larger trees, where most of the rain is blocked by the canopy. For now, he stands with his collar turned up, statuesque among the rest of the chaos. Today, his bland clothing is blending in with the generally gray coloration of the area. With everything going on in the park, his dancing eyes move like always, but the wreck is clearly one topic that for now has garnered most of his attention.
Ta-Dah! You have a better scene pose - a real scene pose - and much more information for other PCs to use when entering the scene.
Helpful Internal and External Links
These are all very useful in helping out with describing your character. Incidentally, it also helps out with common RP as well. This site helps out with both character development and description through a thorough (if still simplistic) question-and-answer method.
Links:
Adad's Request for Clarity (of the English language)
General Guide to Role Playing on Chronicles, by Adad
Capitalization Rules
Using Apostrophes Properly
Common Grammar Errors
Dictionary and Thesaurus Reference
